Way do I....

Why do I do this to myself?? What I want more than anything is to be back with Luke...... I know I made out with Anthony 2 weeks after Luke and I started dating because I honestly didnt think I would end up feeling the way that I do about Luke......And, I know I made a HUGE mistake. And, I cant take it back no matter how much i try, how many times I say Im sorry.... I cant do it....

There has been so many things that have hurt me and torn me apart in the last 3 weeks....not just with Luke....I feel like I have a knife right through my heart.....no matter how hard I try to pull it out.....it's still there and I imagine it will be there for a very long time.

I stayed at Chene's apartment tonight....just hoping and praying to god Luke would talk to me about everything. Even if it didnt bring him and I back together, just hoping that maybe somehow we could be friends again because he was one of the most important people in my life.....And he still is. I know I have talked shit about him, but people do that when they are depressed or upset about something. The way things ended between him and I......shouldnt of ended that way.

Now, Ive been up all night and even when I was laying next to him, I was wide awake, just thinking.....about what I wanted to happen, about what was going to happen.....and, I promised myself I
wouldnt cry over this anymore, but I now know you cant make promises like that to yourself...because you cant keep them. He doesnt believe I could fall in love with him over the 3 1/2 months we were together but I did......And, this is so hard for me.

I wish I wouldnt of cried over him, in front of him...... Ive never wanted anyone to hear me or see me cry because Ive always thought I was far to strong for that, but I guess Im not. And, I see him running back to his ex like a safety blanket, and the sad thing is I know where he is coming from. I just dont want it to be like that. Ive faught so hard to get him back...... And, I would fight forever if I could, but I am so emotionally drained over this....I cant do it....It's to hard and its almost like fighting an undefeated army.

No matter what....all I want him to know is I NEVER meant to hurt him.....and I love him..... :(

How far do I have to go to make you understand I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't keep on giving, go on living with the way things are so I'm gonna walk away and it's up to you to say how far.......